He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
