We're like a lot better than the average bears
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
