She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize