Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
