we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
