No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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