Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
