i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We have so much sex to catch up on
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
