I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize