very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
