His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize