I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
false alarm, still single
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
