i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
