hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
