Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
