i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She bit a glass in half.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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