I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
