If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
