I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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