When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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