In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
