She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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