Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
