Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
