I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
