get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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