I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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