oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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