i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
