you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize