I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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