We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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