my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize