I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
