shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
