3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
