why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
