Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
