Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
