i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
