I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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