The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
