I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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