saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i think i just lost a toe
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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