She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
