I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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