My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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