she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
