I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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