im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
