My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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