is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
