i think i have two assholes
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
