There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
