What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
