It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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