What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
