well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
