I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
