i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
